


and all hope is lost, hold out your hand (friends will be friends)

by laminy



Series: and the night followed day, and the story tellers say [13]
Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe, Epic Friendship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laminy/pseuds/laminy
Summary: Rami and Ben decide to go see a film, but the subject matter reminds Ben too much of his past, and he breaks down.(though written after most of the other parts, takes place in February 2041)
Series: and the night followed day, and the story tellers say [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1438129
Comments: 18
Kudos: 30





	and all hope is lost, hold out your hand (friends will be friends)

**Author's Note:**

> seriously, do please heed the tags for your own mental well-being. this story deals a lot with the effects of abuse, and an abused character talks very negatively to himself about his self worth and the effects that abuse had on his relationships with people.

Rami’s one class that day is unexpectedly cancelled, so while Joe is at work, and Gwil is at a doctor’s appointment, Rami shows up at Ben’s flat, inviting him to the cinema. Neither of them have any idea what’s showing, but they walk over to Leicester Square, looking at the showtimes on the screen.

“There’s an actor in that one I like,” Rami says, pointing to one of the titles.

“What’s it about?” Ben asks, and Rami shrugs.

“I actually don’t know,” Rami says, “but it starts soon. Is that alright?”

Ben smiles, playfully bumping his shoulder against Rami’s. “Sure,” he says. “it sounds great.” They buy their tickets and food, and find their seats, settling in. It’s fairly empty, maybe not that surprising given the time of day, and the fact that Ben’s not entirely sure he’s heard of this film. They quietly chat, and Rami opens his bag of candy as they catch up on the little that they’ve done so far today, and then the trailers start and the lights dim. They whisper to each other about what looks good coming soon, and then the film starts, and Ben takes a sip of his large Coke Zero, looking at the screen. He’s not sure he’s ever seen a film without having at least some idea of what it’s about, but even if it’s shit, an afternoon with Rami is always nice.

But Ben’s a bit shocked that the film literally starts with a man beating— he’s not sure, but Ben assumes that it’s his wife. Or ex-wife. Ben swallows hard, and shifts in his seat. It’s fine. A bit more brutal than it needs to be, but Ben knows it’s just a film. He takes a couple pieces of popcorn and just looks away until the film moves on. The violence stops for awhile, and Ben feels comfortable again, eating and drinking happily while the man isn’t on-screen. 

But then the man comes back. He’s clearly the villain; Ben knows nobody’s supposed to like him, but the way he talks to the other characters…like he’s sort of charming at first. Polite. But every conversation he has devolves into hate, and violence. He hates the way the man talks about how the world is against him, blaming everybody else for his own actions, even as he breaks a mug on someone’s nose, blood spilling everywhere. Ben gasps a bit and looks away; it’s not the blood that bothers him so much as the way the man keeps talking, rubbing it in his victim’s face, blaming them for what he’s doing. Saying that it’s their fault.

Ben closes his eyes, and starts bouncing his knee up and down. The violence— that’s not what reminds Ben of him. There was nothing like this; maybe if he’d had a mug smashed in his face, Ben would have been more likely to admit what was happening to him. Or not. Probably not. But the words, the way the man on-screen keeps hurting people and blaming them for it, refusing to take any responsibility. The way he seems so kind at first, and then…

Ben blows out a breath, head bowing forward.

“Ben?” Rami asks softly, leaning over to him. “Are you alright?”

Ben nods jerkily, but he doesn’t open his eyes or stop bouncing his knee. He just keeps breathing, hoping to tune out the film. He doesn’t want to ask Rami to leave, not over a film. He’s seen— god, countless films. Ones just as violent as this. He’s not sure why this— maybe because he didn’t know. He wasn’t prepared. That’s not Rami’s fault, he didn’t know what it was about either.

The man’s voice goes away and Ben slowly opens his eyes, seeing that it’s a new scene. He takes a drink, a big one, and then he sinks down in his seat. He watches as one of the man’s victims tries explaining his actions to someone else, and while it’s clear they may think that the man did something, it’s also obvious that they don’t believe the woman. Not completely. They question her, look at her with unsure eyes. Ben can hear the judgement in their voice. 

He feels dizzy.

“Ben?” Rami asks again, reaching out to put his hand on Ben’s leg, but Ben jumps in surprise, jerking away from him. His ribs dig into the armrest, and he gasps in pain, falling forward out of his seat. “Ben?” Rami asks, louder this time.

“Fine, I’m fine,” Ben says, pushing himself up, rubbing his side as he hurries out of the theatre. He pushes the doors open and even though he’s still inside, he takes a deep gulping breath of air, because at least he’s not in _there_ anymore. Ben keeps rubbing his side, it’s sort of an awkward pain, but it’s not that bad. It just feels worse because right now everything is…

Tears fill Ben’s eyes and he gasps a bit as he wipes at them. He’s having a breakdown in the middle of a goddamn Cineworld. _What the fuck_ , he asks himself, awkwardly shifting back and forth on his feet, sniffling, praying that none of the employees ask him if he’s alright.

“Ben?” Rami asks gently, coming out of the theatre behind him.

Ben sniffles and turns around, giving him a sad smile. “Hi,” he says, “I— go back in, I’ll…yeah, I’ll be fine. Just need a minute.”

“Let’s go home, yeah?” Rami asks. “To my flat, or yours? Which would you prefer?”

“Oh, no,” Ben says, shaking his head. “I— we paid. Our snacks. We— you go back, I’ll just be a— yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’m not enjoying it,” Rami says. “I’d like to leave. Can we?”

Ben looks at Rami, blinking a couple times, knowing that Rami’s giving Ben an out. Wonders if Joe told him how to handle this or if Rami’s just figured it out on his own. Rami’s smart, he’s kind. He probably just knows. “Sure,” Ben says, nodding. “Yeah, if you don’t like it, let’s go.”

“Thank you,” Rami says, giving him a small smile, and they start slowly walking to the exit together. 

Ben keeps expecting that Rami’s going to ask, going to bombard him with questions, but he doesn’t. The only thing Rami asks him is, again, which flat they should go to. Ben wants to say Rami’s; Rami’s has Augie, and it’s comforting, and he spends so much time there. But it’s big. It’s big and has high ceilings and sometimes feels like it’s too much. Ben’s flat is just…he feels…safer there. His room. His bed. It’s okay.

“Do you have your keys?” Rami asks when they get to the door of his building, and Ben nods, shoving his hand into his pocket. Ben also expects that Rami will take the keys from him, assuming that Ben can’t do it himself, but he doesn’t. Rami just watches as Ben unlocks the door; it takes a couple shaky tries, but it works. Rami gives him a quick smile as they step inside, and Rami lets Ben walk up the stairs first. Ben unlocks the door to his flat and he immediately feels at least a bit better, he’s home. He’s not in the cinema. That’s…that’s over. This place was like a refuge when he moved to London. It’s okay.

“Can I get you anything?” Ben asks, looking at Rami, because he knows he still has to play a good host, and Rami shakes his head.

“No, I’m alright for now,” Rami says, and he reaches down, taking off his shoes.

Ben kicks off his trainers and shrugs off his jacket, hanging it up. He walks to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door, and then he closes it, and starts pacing around.

Rami stays a few feet back from him, watching him, and Ben thinks that Rami must pity him immensely right now. Can imagine what Rami will sound like when he describes this to Joe later on. They’ll talk about him like there’s something wrong, something that can’t be fixed, and Ben hates it, he hates to think about what they must think of him.

And Gwil. Gwil’s going to come back from his doctor’s appointment and be— in whatever sort of mood he is, but he’s always happy to see Ben, regardless, but he’ll know something’s wrong, and he’ll want to know what, and he’ll pity him too. Because at least what happened to Rami and Gwil, it wasn’t their fault. They didn’t do it to themselves or let it happen. But this is Ben’s fault, he knows it is. He knows that the way the people in the film looked at that woman, that’s how they looked at him. Like they didn’t believe it. That it wasn’t that bad. But that if it _was_ true, she must have done something to welcome it.

Ben’s on the floor before he can realize it, sitting down, back against the cupboards, tears streaming down his face.

“Oh, Ben,” Rami says, hurrying over to him, kneeling in front of him. “Ben, I’m so sorry.”

Ben sniffles loudly, blinking away more tears. “What?” he asks. “For what?”

“The film,” Rami says, “I— we shouldn’t have gone without seeing what it was about. I won’t make that mistake again.”

Ben wants to cry even harder at that. He knows that Rami means well, and Ben appreciates that. But also…why the fuck shouldn’t he be able to just go see a film with his best mate without reading what it’s about? Why does this have to be a thing that he cares about or worries about? If Rami had a normal friend, it wouldn’t have been a mistake. The film itself was actually alright. But Rami will probably never watch it again. All he’ll be able to think about is how Ben made him leave early.

“Can I sit with you?” Rami asks, and Ben nods, so Rami sits down next to him, not touching him at first, just being close to him. He sits there while Ben keeps crying it out; sometimes he cries harder, and sometimes it fades, the tears just drying on Ben’s face before it starts again. He has no idea how long they’re sat there for before it’s finally all done, he has nothing left in him to cry. That’s when Rami speaks again. “Can I touch you?” he asks, and Ben sniffles, and nods, so Rami shifts closer, wrapping his arm around Ben’s shoulders, and he leans in, snuggling against him.

Ben doesn’t know what to say, so he just sits there, listening to Rami breathe, feeling the weight of him against him. It’s a comfort. Rami’s presence is always a comfort. Not for the first time, Ben wonders what it would have been like if he’d known Rami, Joe, or Gwil back then. It would make no sense, not with how much younger he is than them. And then Ben thinks that…it wouldn’t have mattered. People were kind to him. He would have just lost them too. 

“Is there anything I can get for you?” Rami asks. “Something to eat, or drink?”

Ben shakes his head dumbly, just staring ahead.

“Would you like to sit somewhere more comfortable?” Rami asks. “We can go to the sofa, or we could go to bed, rest our eyes for a bit. Whatever you’d like. Are you tired?” Rami looks at him for a few moments. “Ben, can you speak?”

“Yes,” Ben says, and he nods, sniffling. “Yes, I’m sorry. I, uh, yes. The floor is uncomfortable. We should…move.”

“Okay,” Rami says, and he pushes himself up, holding his hands out to Ben. Ben looks up at him, and then slowly lifts his hands up to take Rami’s, letting him help him to his feet. “Where would you feel best?”

“Best?” Ben echoes, and Rami nods, giving him a small smile.

“Yes,” Rami says, “where do you want to sit?”

Ben clears his throat, looking away uncomfortably. “You don’t need to do this,” he says.

“Do what?” Rami asks. “Be nice? Ben, you’re one of my best mates, what am I supposed to do, be rude?”

“I don’t know where to sit,” Ben says. “I…I don’t know where I’d feel best.”

“Okay,” Rami says. “We can stand then, until you know. Is there anyone you’d like me to reach for you?”

“I’m not going to hurt myself,” Ben says.

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean— well, I’m certainly relieved to hear that,” Rami says, “I just meant…not 999. But Joe, or Gwil. Or your doctor? Or we can just…I don’t know. What do you like to do?”

Ben’s stomach starts to twist a bit; he doesn’t want to admit to Rami that sometimes there isn’t anything to do. He just has to…wait. He’ll be sad for awhile, and then he won’t. But he also knows that this is absolutely going to have to come up at his next appointment, and his doctor doesn’t really like to hear that he just does nothing until it goes away. “I have an app,” he says finally, taking out his mobile.

“Oh, alright,” Rami says. “Can I help with it, or…”

“It…it lists symptoms,” Ben says. “The negative ways I feel. And then I— if you— click on them, it— it’s sort of complicated. But it’s supposed to give me…things to tell myself. To remind myself. Good things.”

“Maybe I could read them to you,” Rami says. “If you’d like. To remind you.”

“Uh…” Ben looks down; he doesn’t hate the idea, but then Rami will know the bad things he thinks too. Just how bad his head gets. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe. “Sure,” he says, clicking through the app. “So. I would say that today my symptom is…” His eyes fill with tears again as he looks at the words on the screen. “ _The world feels unsafe to me because of the unkindness I have experienced from others_.” He looks up at Rami, sniffling. “Yeah. Today, I…”

“Alright,” Rami says, gently touching his arm, and he reaches out, taking Ben’s mobile from him. “What now?”

“Click it,” Ben says, closing his eyes, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. “It lists…beliefs. Negative beliefs.”

“ _People are predatory and not to be trusted_ ,” Rami says softly. “ _I will never escape the trauma of the past_.”

“That one,” Ben says, taking a deep breath. “That.”

“Okay,” Rami says, and he clicks that phrase as well, and then he smiles faintly. “Ben,” he says.

“Yes,” Ben says, eyes still closed.

“ _Like millions who have gone before you_ ,” Rami reads from the screen, “ _you can heal_.”

“Okay,” Ben says, blowing out a breath.

“ _You will not let your past destroy your future_.”

Ben sniffles and nods, eyes slowly opening. “Yeah, that’s— no. I won’t. I’m— going to go to university. I’m going to be in love with Gwil, and…have my mates. Forever.”

“Exactly,” Rami says, scrolling a bit further down. “ _You can lend your adult voice to the bullied part of you that was too afraid to speak_.”

“Yeah,” Ben says, “I…I can try. That’s harder, but…”

“ _You have the ability to thrive_ ,” Rami says. “Well, I think that’s very true. Even without Gwil, or your mates, you can do this. Right?”

“Yeah, right,” Ben says. “I…I don’t want to lose the people I love, but I will survive if they leave.”

“Is that on this app too?” Rami asks.

“Probably somewhere, yeah,” Ben says, reaching up to rub at his chin. 

“Can I see this for a second?” Rami asks. “Just the app, I promise I won’t go in any other part of your mobile.”

“Go ahead,” Ben says. “I…”

Rami clicks a couple times, starting over. “I think I… _I feel extremely nervous and anxious before performing or submitting my work_.”

Ben looks at Rami, watching him. “Really?” he asks.

Rami nods, and clicks on the phrase. “ _People will only accept me if I present myself perfectly_ ,” he reads.

“That’s not true,” Ben says softly.

Rami nods slowly, scrolling down. “ _Instead of feeling guilty, I can embrace the lesson, if there is one, and move on_.”

“Right,” Ben says.

“ _The cover of this book might be a bit rough_ ,” Rami reads, “ _but the inside contains one of the best stories ever told_.” He smiles, looking up at Ben. “I like that one a lot.”

“You don’t look rough, though,” Ben says, smiling back. “But I agree about the story.”

“Mm,” Ram murmurs. “I should download this.”

“Yeah,” Ben says, “it uh, it helps. It can.”

“What else can?” Rami asks, handing Ben’s mobile back to him.

“Sometimes it’s just…being away from the situation,” Ben says. “We left the cinema. I’m home now, and safe.”

“I didn’t realize how bad it was,” Rami says. “The— I didn’t realize what you were going through watching that. Otherwise I would have suggested we leave earlier.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ben says. “I…wanted to stay. But I couldn’t.” He takes a deep breath, and blows it out. “You’re going to tell Joe.”

“I’m not telling Joe anything,” Rami says. “Nor Gwil.”

“Really?” Ben asks.

“I don’t want to lie to them,” Rami says, “so I’d just ask that you consider that position as well when you decide what to do, but it’s certainly not my place to tell them what happened.”

“Sometimes I worry they’ll get tired of me,” Ben says. “That…this will be it. We’ll tell Gwil I started crying at the cinema and he’ll realize I…he’ll think I’m not worth it. Or Joe, I— if I lost Joe, I…”

“You wouldn’t,” Rami says. “You won’t. I know you and Joe have been through things together that I can’t even imagine, I— he’s my fiancé but he’s your…everything. He would never leave you. Nor would I let him. So rest assured. If you lose him or Gwil, they lose me.”

“And then you and I drive off into the sunset together,” Ben says, and Rami grins, nodding eagerly.

“Of course,” Rami says. “Now, would you like to sit? Or rest?” He glances at his watch. “Joe won’t be off for a couple more hours,” he says. “Gwil probably won’t be back by then either. You can close your eyes for a bit, if you’d like.”

“I just want to wash up a bit,” Ben says. “My face is…and change. Into something comfy.”

“That sounds lovely,” Rami says. “Do you have something I can borrow? I’d like to get out of my jeans.”

“They’ll probably be a bit big on you, but yeah, of course,” Ben says.

“That’s alright,” Rami says, following Ben into his bedroom. “They’ll just be comfier that way.”

Ben grabs a couple pairs of joggers, handing a pair over to Rami. “I will tell them,” he says. “Tonight. Maybe we could spend the evening here, instead of at your flat?”

“Of course,” Rami says. “If you’d like, I can cook. Or we can order in, anything you’d like.” Rami’s smile fades a bit. “Of course, if you haven’t got your appetite back,” he says quickly, “we can— anything you’d like. Whatever, it’s…whatever you’d like.”

“I’m not very hungry right now,” Ben says, “but maybe later. In a couple hours, I…I should be hungry again.”

“Okay,” Rami says. “I’m just going to go change,” he says, waving the joggers in the air as he walks out of Ben’s room. Ben nods; he knows that Rami’s comfortable changing wherever, so clearly he’s giving Ben his space for a moment.

Ben lets out a heavy breath and drops down onto his bed. He groans, scratching at his cheeks, the tears having dried there and making his skin itchy. He sniffles a bit, and then takes out his mobile again, staring down at it. He debates what would be better— texting Joe and Gwil now to give them a heads up, possibly (likely) stressing them out but giving them time to prepare, or letting them know later, when they show up and ask about their day. He doesn’t know how he’s going to feel then. He’s not entirely sure he knows how he feels now.

Ben looks up, expecting to see Rami back at his door, but he doesn’t. Clearly Rami’s taking his time here. Ben unlocks his mobile and goes to their group message, the one with all four of them. He sniffles and gently clears his throat, and then starts to type.

_Rami and I are at my flat, so meet us here when you’re both done for the day. I didn’t have the best afternoon. I’m doing alright now, and Rami’s been very kind. I just wanted you both to know so that when you come over, if I don’t seem very happy, you’ll know why. Please don’t worry. It’s alright, I might just be a bit quieter than usual. I’ll see you both soon xx_

Ben sends the message and sighs, setting his phone to the side. He stands up and gets changed, then grabs his phone, heading back out into the flat. He jumps a bit when he sees Rami standing in the doorway of the bathroom, looking at his mobile.

“ _Are_ you doing alright now?” Rami asks, looking up at him.

“Better,” Ben says. “I— yeah. Better. But, you know, hard to be worse.”

Rami looks at Ben sadly, and then hurries over to him, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a hug. “I love you,” he says softly, and Ben nods, wrapping his arms around Rami as well, holding him close.

“I love you too,” Ben whispers, and they stand there together, holding onto one another, until their mobiles go off simultaneously— the group chat. 

Rami pulls back and looks at his mobile.

“What’s it say?” Ben asks, not wanting to look at his own screen.

Rami smiles, and leans in, kissing Ben on the cheek. “Joe wanted me to do that for you,” he says.

“Oh,” Ben says. “Well, that’s…”

“He also said he can pick up supper if we’d like,” Rami says. “He’s not leaving you. Neither is Gwil, and neither am I.” He looks at Ben, and then reaches out, taking his hand. “I’m sorry that you’re scared that we will.”

“It’s not an…all the time thing,” Ben says. “Just a— very bad day, dark moment thing. I know. I _do_ know. Or— I hope, at least. Today was a bad day. I’m sorry you had to see it.”

“I’m not,” Rami says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry you felt that way, and I’m terribly sorry we chose that film, but I’m glad I could be here for you. That you didn’t have to go through it alone this time.” There’s another notification on their mobiles, and Rami looks again, then smiles at Ben. “You should read that one,” he says. “I’m going to get a drink, if that’s alright?”

“Of course, yeah,” Ben says, “help yourself.” He watches Rami walk over to the refrigerator, calling out that he’s going to steal one of Ben’s Coke Zeros, and Ben looks at his mobile, reading the notification. 

_I’m terribly sorry to hear that, love, but I’m glad that Rami was with you, I know how good he is to have around in times of need. I’m on the train back from Perth now, but please, if you don’t want to see us at all tonight, let us know. I don’t want you to tire yourself out putting up with us. I love you, and I hope to see you when you’re ready, not a moment before. Take care of yourself. And thank you, Rami._

There’s another new message as Ben is reading, and he smile as he reads it— _yeah, great, thanks for making me look bad, Gwil. Ben! All those things he said, I meant them too, I just didn’t say them. They were implied._

Ben has to laugh, even as his eyes are still filled with tears from Gwil’s words. He sniffles and looks over at Rami, who’s looking at his mobile as well.

“Did you want to watch something?” Rami asks, looking over at him. “You can pick.”

“Sure,” Ben says, nodding. “I— yeah. Let me just wash up first.”

“Alright,” Rami says, walking over to the sofa, grabbing the television remote and dropping down.

Ben walks into the bathroom, turning on the water. He sets his mobile down and grabs a cloth, wiping at his face, looking at his eyes, how red and puffy they are. He sighs, and dries off his face, giving himself a smile in the mirror. It feels fake, it _is_ fake. But it’s alright. He nods, grabbing his mobile again.

_I’d like to see you both. Thank you for grabbing dinner, Joe, it would be really appreciated. Thank you both. I love you. See you soon._

Ben walks back out into the living room, and sits down next to Rami. “What should we watch?” Ben asks.

“Something funny?” Rami suggests, handing him the remote.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Ben says, starting to scroll through the channels.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally intended to be just a snippet that I planned on posting on my tumblr, which is why it's written in a much more casual, stream of consciousness way than the stories I usually post on here. But obviously it grew much longer than intended and I still wanted to share it, but feared a tumblr cut would fail and then I'd be so embarrassed. 
> 
> I was also very hesitant to share this because of what it is, which is _much_ more angst and more hurting of Ben than I ever intended on writing again. I know that I don't intend on writing these sorts of stories about him that take place in the "present" for the characters; I actually am surprised I wrote anything that takes place this far back, I had no plans to do so, as all the parts I have planned take place in chronological order. Which is another part of the reason I only planned on posting it as a snippet on tumblr, since they're written out of order and I don't always consider them canon, but everything I post on here, I do. I would say I don't enjoy hurting Ben, but I mean, I just wrote this, so that sounds like a lie. Posting this at all, let alone on here, was not an easy decision.
> 
> But there are a few things I'd ask that you consider before judging too harshly. One is that this takes place in the past (Rami and Joe aren't married, Ben and Gwil still live in London), so we have seen Ben move past this, we know that he's in a much brighter, happier place now, and that still is true. Two is that everybody has bad days, it doesn't mean it's a step back in any way, and that's alright to write about. Three is that on a certain level, I think I just needed to write this for myself, and get it out on the page. I don't claim to have been in a relationship like the one Ben had with his ex-boyfriend in this story, but I share a lot of the same feelings about his friendships and self-worth. Ben has always been the most personal character for me.
> 
> Thank you as always to the people who read this. I know that some people may choose to skip this one because of the warnings and tags, and I'm glad for it, honestly, I know this is darker than I usually go, even for someone who writes a lot of angst. I apologize that this is the next story I posted, as I fully intended on it being the baby story, but that is still a work in progress. I hope you're all well. 
> 
> Finally, if you think it sounded helpful or interesting, the app Ben has on his phone is called Thinkladder.


End file.
